Week 04 · How we talk to each other

Words That Build

Read together: Ephesians 4:25-32

Also read: Proverbs 15:1-4 · James 3:2-10

Nothing shapes the climate of a home faster than the way two people speak to each other.

The heart of it

Paul gives a rule that would change most marriages by itself: let no corrupt communication come out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying. Every sentence has a direction. It either builds the other person up or tears them down. There is no neutral.

He also gives permission to be angry without sinning, and a deadline: do not let the sun go down on it. Anger is not the sin. Anger nursed overnight, rehearsed and stored, is where the devil gets a foothold.

Then verse 30: grieving the Holy Spirit. The way you speak to your spouse is not a personality trait. It is a spiritual matter. God is in the room, and He is grieved by bitterness, clamor, and evil speaking, even when it is technically true.

What to notice

'Speak every man truth with his neighbour' comes first. Kindness is not silence about hard things.
'Give place to the devil' warns that unresolved anger creates an opening for something worse.
Verse 29 gives a test for every sentence: does it minister grace to the hearer?
The list in verse 31 ends with malice, which is where sarcasm and contempt eventually lead.

Talk together

1What is one thing your spouse says, or a tone they use, that shuts you down fastest?
2Do we let the sun go down on anger? What actually happens in our house when we are upset?
3Where do we talk past each other: money, in-laws, the kids, chores, intimacy, church?
4Ask each other: do you feel heard by me? Then say nothing for a full minute and just listen.
5What is one rule of engagement we want to agree on tonight for the next hard conversation?

Your own journal

Answer these on your own during the week. They are yours; you are never required to read them out loud.

1. What is the last thing I said to my spouse that I would be ashamed to have recorded?

2. Do I use silence as a weapon? Be honest about why.

3. What am I still angry about that I never brought into the light?

4. Where do I need to ask forgiveness for how I said something true?

5. Ask God to guard your mouth this week and write down what He points out.

This week's practice

Agree on one signal word either of you can say to pause a conversation for twenty minutes without it counting as walking away. Use it this week if you need it.

"Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers."

Ephesians 4:29

Pray together

Ask God to make your words a means of grace to each other. Confess any bitterness by name.

Next week: Forgiveness Without a Ledger