Fighting Fair

The heart of it

Paul's cure for division is not better technique. It is the mind of Christ. Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than themselves. Then he shows what that looked like: Jesus, who had every right, took the form of a servant.

Applied to a marriage, this is brutal and simple. In your next disagreement, the question is not who is right. It is who will go lower first. Somebody has to, or it escalates.

James adds the practical order: swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. Most conflicts in a home would collapse if both people did the first one. We usually reverse it, speaking first and hearing later, if at all.

What to notice

• 'Look not every man on his own things, but also on the things of others.' Conflict narrows your vision to your own case.
• Christ's humility was voluntary. Nobody made Him go lower. Nobody will make you either.
• James says our wrath does not work the righteousness of God, even when our point is right.
• Proverbs 18:13 calls answering before you hear a shame. That includes finishing your spouse's sentence in your head.

Talk together

1. 1What does a fight in our house typically look like from start to finish? Describe the pattern, not the last incident.
2. 2Which of us tends to escalate and which tends to withdraw? What does the other one need in that moment?
3. 3When was the last time either of us said 'you are right, I was wrong' with nothing added?
4. 4What subject do we avoid because it always goes badly? Are we willing to schedule it for a calm evening?
5. 5Agree together: what does 'going lower first' look like for each of us specifically?

Pray together

Ask God for the mind of Christ in your conflicts. Confess the pride that keeps a fight alive.